After reading “understanding my patriarchs: part one, probably“, my younger sister was inspired to write about her own understanding of our grandfather. She asked if I could post it here, and I was honored and thrilled at the implications of having the first guest post on this site be such an insightful piece as hers.
RE: “Understanding my Patriarchs” Part One
A second perspective on patriarchs; similar, yet different. Reverse chronological order of events is as good a place to start as any. So let’s start, in the near future.
My father’s parents are excited to attend the Handel’s Messiah concert that I will be part of in early December. It is very likely that my grandparents have sung it as well, in part or in whole, during their lifetimes and are pleased that I will do the same. If the Powers That Be allow, they will make the effort to travel from the safety of their cozy, handmade home and brave the wilds of the city to see me. I assume they will be proud, enthused, and comforted by the familiarity of the music and the choice of activity. In the end, this will put me further into their good graces.
But what else is new?
Let’s travel a bit sooner in time. Thanksgiving. This time I will travel and meet them on their own territory. After 19 years of being their granddaughter, I can guess the topics of conversation with 99% certainty. Directed at me will be questions of, “how are your classes, what are your classes for next semester, are you making friends, did you decide your major yet, got a secret boyfriend?”
I have answered all of these questions before with unassuming predictability and have always been my grandparents’ Best Formed Cookie From the Batch. I can fit into their lifestyle. I make choices they understand and agree with, being an accounting major and having artistic hobbies that I don’t dare consider as potential careers.
Except now, I do have a somewhat secret boyfriend. I have a boyfriend who does not fit into their White Conservative Christian ideals. I will be questioned, my familial allegiances doubted, my actions to be labeled as confused or acting out. But this will not be my first time on the receiving end of their criticism.
Our first conflict was years ago, when my grandfather pushed back on my choice of wanting to wear grey lipstick for a family photoshoot. In his opinion, it wasn’t ladylike. I was “too pretty to wear that.” I wanted to have fun with some non-traditional makeup and was judged for stepping outside of THEIR comfort zone.
Now, I have little to no other negative experiences with my grandfather than what I have said. I fit into his ideals. He was a businessman himself, owned his own dental practice. I show interest in business-related fields of work, “no-nonsense” dreams and attainable goals. I give my grandparents hope of passing down their long-held values.
And I will… and I won’t.
I will save ribbons used on presents and gift bags to be reused later, as my grandmother reminds us every Christmas. I will be involved in my community and lend a hand to those in need. I will choose a realistic and reliable career path so that I may provide for myself and for others.
I won’t fall into a submissive and quiet role as a woman. I won’t raise my voice in thinly veiled anger when my significant other cannot hear or understand a situation. I won’t cut ties with family members because they want lifestyles apart from my own.
Instead, I will express my adoration for those I care about openly and often. I will ask for help and encourage others to do the same. I will seek knowledge, understanding, and empathy to maintain healthy relationships.
I understand my father’s parents. They are scared of change. They want stability, reliability, consistency. They want “normal.” And I deeply understand that desire. The universe is random and chaotic. We can feel helpless and lost if we let routine and tradition be ruled by Entropy. At the same time, we can feel stifled and mechanized if we let routine and tradition be dictated by Order.
Note: I helped my sister fine-tune and polish this piece (which we agreed I could do), but ultimately this is her voice. As such, it deserves to be treated with respect and an open mind.