I don’t understand longing. Like I get that it is an emotion, but I don’t think I’m capable of feeling it. Maybe that’s the lack of meds talking, but I just feel so fucking numb to deeper human emotions. It makes me question my humanity.
Like, is romance really vital to being human? Obviously it can’t be if aromantic people exist. So if I can objectively feel that, that doesn’t mean I have to identify with it, and yet.
[…] I want companionship. I don’t know if I want a partner. Because I feel like I’m the only person who could properly satisfy me and be what I want. I know me more intimately than I am comfortable with others knowing me.
Commentary
Yeah. This still tracks.
It’s funny trying to balance the human need for attention with “the mortifying ordeal of being known”. I’m still not a master at balancing this, nor do I think I will be for quite some time.
February of 2023 was a strange era for me. I was in rehearsal for the most intense show I’d ever been in, and the content of the play was mostly to do with love. Every single character in that play is (arguably) in pursuit of love in some form.
For my two characters, the kinds of love they’re after are incredibly different. One was in pursuit of validation (which can be a form of superficial love), while the other was in pursuit of acceptance. Unconditional love. The kind that says, “I see you in all your ‘flaws’ and humanness and I’m choosing to stand by your side because you are YOU.”
This latter character, who I spent more stage time playing, resonated with me deeply. He is an oldest child who plays the mediator role and cares deeply about making sure his family is well-protected and cared for. I am an oldest child and a mediator, and I think about what I can do for my family constantly.
And, just like him, I am also in pursuit of acceptance. For the most part, I’ve got it, and I know I do. But to be known so intimately by another, to be fully seen? I fear if someone got that close to me, they wouldn’t accept me as I am.
I can’t afford to be seen all the way through to my bones. So I maintain relationships as closely as I can, I give most people the Cliffs Notes version of Ab, and that remains that.
This isn’t a satisfying ending, but it’s the one that I have. Like the play, I have to leave it as is. I have to leave room for the audience (or rather, myself) to think.
Read my previous notes app entry here.